The fine line of control.

It's no secret, I'm a control freak. Wether it is with my own schedule, my relationship, friends, events.. I want to be in control. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing to be powerful in your own life. But when you begin to exert that power on to others, you have an issue. Not only do I have an issue with enjoying control, I also have a trust issue. I've been hurt repeatedly in the past and I am not one to let things go.

In past romantic relationships, I have always had to have complete control over the situation. It seems I am a very dominate person and tend to get my spouse to just cave. However, when I met my current boyfriend, he proved to be quite the opposite. He stands his ground in a respectful, yet firm manner. While we have a very strong relationship now, the beginning was a bit rocky. I was very unhealthy mentally. Control was the element keeping my life together. So when he took the reigns, it scared me. He has stood by my side and held my hand through moments when I couldn't even stand myself. He helped me reach out and get help and for that I owe him so much. Ok.. I'm getting side tracked..

In the past, I needed to know what he was doing every second, who he was talking to, where he was, and so on. It was exhausting for both of us. I would go through every aspect of his computer searching or the slightest sign that he wasn't being faithful. If he left his phone alone, and in my reach, I went through every text, email, picture, history, everything. It was so unhealthy the way I obsessed over it. While it calmed me momentarily, I found the urges steadily getting worse and worse. I knew I needed to stop. But seeing his phone laying out, or his computer unattended would make my heart race and and fire run through my veins.

It's no secret that those with bipolar disorder have poor impulse control and have a need to be in control. I literally had to force myself to stop. The anxiety I felt as I sat on the couch knowing his phone was right there on the table was exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to fulfill my urges. But I knew I couldn't. I had to trust him. It took a lot for me but eventually I got to the point where I could walk away and occupy my time with something else instead of obsessing. Don't get me wrong, to this day I still get the urges but I cannot recall the last time I actually acted on them.

I've noticed I am allowing myself to be more comfortable in not having full control in other situations as well. I'm a college student, and it's no secret college students enjoy going out. However, my boyfriend is not the stereotypical "college guy". At 23, he has never had a single drop of alcohol nor has he experimented with any narcotics. Therefore, the party scene isn't necessarily something he enjoys taking part in. The fact he didn't want to go out with me used to really bother me. I would become so frustrated and infatuated with the fact he wasn't there, I would not be able to have a good time. Now, I find that it's ok for him and I to not be attached at the hip because I trust him. We can split up, hang out with our own friends and at the end of the night, I find we are both so much more pleasant and are excited to see each other.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and this is just the very beginning. But seeing how happy I already feel with the changes I am experiencing this early makes me even more excited about what the future holds.

- Red

Wait, what?

Staying focused on something is so hard for me. Take this blog, for example. I get so excited about something but then something else will grab my attention and I'm off on to the next thing. It's not that I don't find it interesting or that I don't enjoy it, I just lose interest. But I pinky promise to keep this up. I find blogging so relieving and is a positive way to help others who may be experiencing what I am.

- Red