The Next Step

Today, I met with my therapist like I do every week to two weeks. He always starts same way; "So, how was your week?". He then sits back in his chair and just listens as I divulge in to every little detail about how my week has been. Some how, I end up opening up and diving in to the deeper aspects of what is going on. My therapist and I have been working towards multiple goals. Slowly but surely I am accomplishing those goals. I will go more in to depth on that on a later date.

In the past weeks, my therapist has been discussing having me start a book that would help me be more in control of my emotions. I have been looking forward to starting it so when he didn't bring it up, I was a little bummed. I brought it up to him and he thanked me for reminding him as he gave me the title. Today's session was quite emotional so I can't blame him for forgetting until I brought it up. Below is a picture of the cover. I will update my blog as I continue reading it. So far, I enjoy it and find it very fascinating.

- Red

The fine line of control.

It's no secret, I'm a control freak. Wether it is with my own schedule, my relationship, friends, events.. I want to be in control. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing to be powerful in your own life. But when you begin to exert that power on to others, you have an issue. Not only do I have an issue with enjoying control, I also have a trust issue. I've been hurt repeatedly in the past and I am not one to let things go.

In past romantic relationships, I have always had to have complete control over the situation. It seems I am a very dominate person and tend to get my spouse to just cave. However, when I met my current boyfriend, he proved to be quite the opposite. He stands his ground in a respectful, yet firm manner. While we have a very strong relationship now, the beginning was a bit rocky. I was very unhealthy mentally. Control was the element keeping my life together. So when he took the reigns, it scared me. He has stood by my side and held my hand through moments when I couldn't even stand myself. He helped me reach out and get help and for that I owe him so much. Ok.. I'm getting side tracked..

In the past, I needed to know what he was doing every second, who he was talking to, where he was, and so on. It was exhausting for both of us. I would go through every aspect of his computer searching or the slightest sign that he wasn't being faithful. If he left his phone alone, and in my reach, I went through every text, email, picture, history, everything. It was so unhealthy the way I obsessed over it. While it calmed me momentarily, I found the urges steadily getting worse and worse. I knew I needed to stop. But seeing his phone laying out, or his computer unattended would make my heart race and and fire run through my veins.

It's no secret that those with bipolar disorder have poor impulse control and have a need to be in control. I literally had to force myself to stop. The anxiety I felt as I sat on the couch knowing his phone was right there on the table was exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to fulfill my urges. But I knew I couldn't. I had to trust him. It took a lot for me but eventually I got to the point where I could walk away and occupy my time with something else instead of obsessing. Don't get me wrong, to this day I still get the urges but I cannot recall the last time I actually acted on them.

I've noticed I am allowing myself to be more comfortable in not having full control in other situations as well. I'm a college student, and it's no secret college students enjoy going out. However, my boyfriend is not the stereotypical "college guy". At 23, he has never had a single drop of alcohol nor has he experimented with any narcotics. Therefore, the party scene isn't necessarily something he enjoys taking part in. The fact he didn't want to go out with me used to really bother me. I would become so frustrated and infatuated with the fact he wasn't there, I would not be able to have a good time. Now, I find that it's ok for him and I to not be attached at the hip because I trust him. We can split up, hang out with our own friends and at the end of the night, I find we are both so much more pleasant and are excited to see each other.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and this is just the very beginning. But seeing how happy I already feel with the changes I am experiencing this early makes me even more excited about what the future holds.

- Red

Wait, what?

Staying focused on something is so hard for me. Take this blog, for example. I get so excited about something but then something else will grab my attention and I'm off on to the next thing. It's not that I don't find it interesting or that I don't enjoy it, I just lose interest. But I pinky promise to keep this up. I find blogging so relieving and is a positive way to help others who may be experiencing what I am.

- Red

I am strong enough.

When I think life is too much to handle, I remind myself that I am strong enough to push through. Things may be rough in the moment but I just remind myself that it will get better. When its good, I want to bottle it up and be able to release the sunny feeling I have during the rainy days. I'm getting better. It can only go up from here.

- Red

Photo by Unknown

Maintaining my power.

To have control over my emotions and to be able to harness my feelings has proven to feel absolutely amazing. This week I am working on remaining in power of my emotions and to not allow others to bring me down. It's not easy, but boy is it proving to be worth it. I am so proud of myself for the progress I have made however small it may be. I will not let others bring me down.

- Red

Photo by Unknown; Quote from Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't give away your power.

Upon meeting with my therapist, he brought up a point that resonated with me. I allow people to have too much power over me. When I'm upset about something, I show that emotion to them. Then, instead of focusing on what upset me, they focus on the fact I'm upset. They push to make it so I'm not upset anymore but we never address the initial problem. I'm learning to take a step back and address the problem with the individual when I have cooled down and know we can keep the original issue as the focal point of our conversation. I will not let others have power over me. I'm a strong individual. And I intend to empower myself even more.

- Red

Misophonia.

Chewing, tapping, clicking, popping, all of it. I absolutely hate it. The moment someone pops a piece of gum in to their mouth I can feel my temper start to rise. The way people smack their lips and proceed to pop bubbles is infuriating. I try to ignore it but it just gets worse and worse. I have even gone as far as to plug my ear. Sometimes, the person catches me and I pretend I'm itching my ear. But I can't help it. It makes me so furious I either end up leaving the room or snapping at the individual. Someone tapping their foot is just as awful to me.

I started talking to my therapist about my hatred of sounds. Turns out they have a name for it (there's a name for everything, right?). It's called misophonia which means the hatred of sounds. They say you can only truly focus on three things. When you suffer from misophonia, you make the noises that bother you come to the very forefront of your attention. Which means to solve it I should just focus on something else. Sounds simple enough, right? But it's not. I try and try yet it still bothers me more than anything.

I can always remember having these feelings. Once I started receiving treatment for it, I opened up to my mom in hopes that she would become more sensitive to sounds she herself makes. She told me she had noticed me plugging my ear but thought that I was irritated by the lack of manners someone was displaying. Yet it seems each time I tell those around me that they are making a sound that is aggravating, their response seems as though I'm inconveniencing them or attacking them personally. The anger and infuriating rush of emotions this gives me is not an enjoyable feeling. In fact, I hate it. Therefore I speak out to those close to me in hopes they will understand. Instead, I find myself repeating the words "Please stop doing that." numerous times a day every single day. No one likes feeling like their feelings are being ignored. It's a vicious cycle.

- Red

Photo by Unknown