The Next Step

Today, I met with my therapist like I do every week to two weeks. He always starts same way; "So, how was your week?". He then sits back in his chair and just listens as I divulge in to every little detail about how my week has been. Some how, I end up opening up and diving in to the deeper aspects of what is going on. My therapist and I have been working towards multiple goals. Slowly but surely I am accomplishing those goals. I will go more in to depth on that on a later date.

In the past weeks, my therapist has been discussing having me start a book that would help me be more in control of my emotions. I have been looking forward to starting it so when he didn't bring it up, I was a little bummed. I brought it up to him and he thanked me for reminding him as he gave me the title. Today's session was quite emotional so I can't blame him for forgetting until I brought it up. Below is a picture of the cover. I will update my blog as I continue reading it. So far, I enjoy it and find it very fascinating.

- Red

The fine line of control.

It's no secret, I'm a control freak. Wether it is with my own schedule, my relationship, friends, events.. I want to be in control. Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad thing to be powerful in your own life. But when you begin to exert that power on to others, you have an issue. Not only do I have an issue with enjoying control, I also have a trust issue. I've been hurt repeatedly in the past and I am not one to let things go.

In past romantic relationships, I have always had to have complete control over the situation. It seems I am a very dominate person and tend to get my spouse to just cave. However, when I met my current boyfriend, he proved to be quite the opposite. He stands his ground in a respectful, yet firm manner. While we have a very strong relationship now, the beginning was a bit rocky. I was very unhealthy mentally. Control was the element keeping my life together. So when he took the reigns, it scared me. He has stood by my side and held my hand through moments when I couldn't even stand myself. He helped me reach out and get help and for that I owe him so much. Ok.. I'm getting side tracked..

In the past, I needed to know what he was doing every second, who he was talking to, where he was, and so on. It was exhausting for both of us. I would go through every aspect of his computer searching or the slightest sign that he wasn't being faithful. If he left his phone alone, and in my reach, I went through every text, email, picture, history, everything. It was so unhealthy the way I obsessed over it. While it calmed me momentarily, I found the urges steadily getting worse and worse. I knew I needed to stop. But seeing his phone laying out, or his computer unattended would make my heart race and and fire run through my veins.

It's no secret that those with bipolar disorder have poor impulse control and have a need to be in control. I literally had to force myself to stop. The anxiety I felt as I sat on the couch knowing his phone was right there on the table was exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to fulfill my urges. But I knew I couldn't. I had to trust him. It took a lot for me but eventually I got to the point where I could walk away and occupy my time with something else instead of obsessing. Don't get me wrong, to this day I still get the urges but I cannot recall the last time I actually acted on them.

I've noticed I am allowing myself to be more comfortable in not having full control in other situations as well. I'm a college student, and it's no secret college students enjoy going out. However, my boyfriend is not the stereotypical "college guy". At 23, he has never had a single drop of alcohol nor has he experimented with any narcotics. Therefore, the party scene isn't necessarily something he enjoys taking part in. The fact he didn't want to go out with me used to really bother me. I would become so frustrated and infatuated with the fact he wasn't there, I would not be able to have a good time. Now, I find that it's ok for him and I to not be attached at the hip because I trust him. We can split up, hang out with our own friends and at the end of the night, I find we are both so much more pleasant and are excited to see each other.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and this is just the very beginning. But seeing how happy I already feel with the changes I am experiencing this early makes me even more excited about what the future holds.

- Red

Wait, what?

Staying focused on something is so hard for me. Take this blog, for example. I get so excited about something but then something else will grab my attention and I'm off on to the next thing. It's not that I don't find it interesting or that I don't enjoy it, I just lose interest. But I pinky promise to keep this up. I find blogging so relieving and is a positive way to help others who may be experiencing what I am.

- Red

I am strong enough.

When I think life is too much to handle, I remind myself that I am strong enough to push through. Things may be rough in the moment but I just remind myself that it will get better. When its good, I want to bottle it up and be able to release the sunny feeling I have during the rainy days. I'm getting better. It can only go up from here.

- Red

Photo by Unknown

Maintaining my power.

To have control over my emotions and to be able to harness my feelings has proven to feel absolutely amazing. This week I am working on remaining in power of my emotions and to not allow others to bring me down. It's not easy, but boy is it proving to be worth it. I am so proud of myself for the progress I have made however small it may be. I will not let others bring me down.

- Red

Photo by Unknown; Quote from Eleanor Roosevelt

Don't give away your power.

Upon meeting with my therapist, he brought up a point that resonated with me. I allow people to have too much power over me. When I'm upset about something, I show that emotion to them. Then, instead of focusing on what upset me, they focus on the fact I'm upset. They push to make it so I'm not upset anymore but we never address the initial problem. I'm learning to take a step back and address the problem with the individual when I have cooled down and know we can keep the original issue as the focal point of our conversation. I will not let others have power over me. I'm a strong individual. And I intend to empower myself even more.

- Red

Misophonia.

Chewing, tapping, clicking, popping, all of it. I absolutely hate it. The moment someone pops a piece of gum in to their mouth I can feel my temper start to rise. The way people smack their lips and proceed to pop bubbles is infuriating. I try to ignore it but it just gets worse and worse. I have even gone as far as to plug my ear. Sometimes, the person catches me and I pretend I'm itching my ear. But I can't help it. It makes me so furious I either end up leaving the room or snapping at the individual. Someone tapping their foot is just as awful to me.

I started talking to my therapist about my hatred of sounds. Turns out they have a name for it (there's a name for everything, right?). It's called misophonia which means the hatred of sounds. They say you can only truly focus on three things. When you suffer from misophonia, you make the noises that bother you come to the very forefront of your attention. Which means to solve it I should just focus on something else. Sounds simple enough, right? But it's not. I try and try yet it still bothers me more than anything.

I can always remember having these feelings. Once I started receiving treatment for it, I opened up to my mom in hopes that she would become more sensitive to sounds she herself makes. She told me she had noticed me plugging my ear but thought that I was irritated by the lack of manners someone was displaying. Yet it seems each time I tell those around me that they are making a sound that is aggravating, their response seems as though I'm inconveniencing them or attacking them personally. The anger and infuriating rush of emotions this gives me is not an enjoyable feeling. In fact, I hate it. Therefore I speak out to those close to me in hopes they will understand. Instead, I find myself repeating the words "Please stop doing that." numerous times a day every single day. No one likes feeling like their feelings are being ignored. It's a vicious cycle.

- Red

Photo by Unknown

Change is good.

Or so they say. If it's good, then this week should have been great; family emergency, change in living situation, change in friendships. The fact I've kept my sanity is amazing to me. Typically, I would have shut down by now. Pushed everyone away and become a recluse. I refuse to let the old me creep out. I'm learning that change is not always a bad thing. Family emergencies, well.. They are so far out of our control. Adding stress to it would only make it more difficult to deal with. And the sad fact of life is people leave. That's their choice and their right. I can hold my head high, know I tried my hardest and let them go. But the feeling of being taken for granted of is a horrible one. One day at a time and this will all get easier. I'll be damned if I let this pull me down.

- Red

Think before you speak.

The idea of thinking before you speak seems to be something that goes out the window for me when I'm in a manic state. Sometimes, I get so fired up that I say things I don't even mean. Or things that are down right untrue. Afterward, I feel so guilty which only feeds in to the depressive state that is bound to follow. It's an uphill battle but someday I hope to be able to better control my tongue.

- Red

Photo by Unknown

My journey to diagnosis.

Driving down the road with my mother, I sat in the passenger seat as she drove me home from school. I was suddenly overwhelmed with a racing feeling in my heart as my mind began to wander and a tingling sensation took over my limbs. I could feel the color escaping from my pre teen face. My mother must have noticed as well. She comfortingly reached for my hand and coaxing told me everything was going to be ok. I was experiencing my very first severe panic attack.

Since then, my life has been riddled with panic attacks which have seemed to only get worse after the death of a very close family member. I was to the point of having them daily. From the outside looking in, I'm sure it's difficult to understand how debilitating anxiety attacks can be. But from the inside looking out, I felt I couldn't escape in any way, shape or form. I was trapped. It wasn't until I began confiding in my very loving, supportive boyfriend that I realized not everyone experiences what I was going through. He convinced me to reach out for help medically. For that, I could never repay him. Had he not been so supportive in me seeking help, I wouldn't have done it and I would still be where I was six months ago.

Fast forward a bit. I made an appointment with my general doctor who prescribed me an anti depressant and referred me to a psychiatrist who would further my testing. Little did I know, the testing included three hours of talking about myself followed by an hour of actual tests. I felt overwhelmed upon beginning the testing, but the psychiatrist joked with me and made me feel so comfortable that I soon felt like I was just talking with a friend. I left his office excited to hear the results.

I met with him again a few weeks later to go over my results. He handed me a list that had my diagnosis as well as the suggested methods of treatment. I felt overwhelmed but began to understand more as he explained each one individually. He then suggested that I find a therapist that could help me. I went home and began looking for therapists in my area that would be a good fit for for me. After all, this is definitely not something to go in to blindly. That's when I found my current therapist whom I am very happy with. Upon our first appointment, he said something that really stuck in with me; It is important to make sure you have a connection with your therapist. You will need to trust them so that you can be open with them otherwise it will hinder your progress throughout treatment. I believe that I have this connection with my therapist and am very excited to see how he helps me learn more about how to live with bipolar disorder in a healthy way as well as help me take some of my severe phobias head on.

The gist of me telling you my story more in detail is to hopefully convey to those who are thinking about reaching out for help, or have recently just reached out for help that this process may take a bit. It has now been five months since I first talked to my general doctor. Yet, I have only met with my therapist twice now. I wish this process would speed up a bit however I have to keep in mind that treatment is something that should not be rushed. And I hope those reading my blog keep that in mind as well. Go slow and you will see progress in the long run.

- Red

I can do it.

When it's good, it's great! When it's bad, it's truly awful.. It seems so simple but on a daily basis, I have to remind myself that this too shall pass. I will be ok.

-Red

Photo by Unknown

Here it goes..

Where to begin.. Sitting here, staring at my screen I find that this is the hardest part. Therefore, I'll just dive in. I was diagnosed with bipolar II in January 2013. When the psychiatrist began listing off my diagnosises, I sat in shock. General Anxiety disorder, social anxiety, PTSD, misophonia, severe arachnophobia...on and on. I left feeling absolutely overwhelmed yet relieved. Finally, an answer. Something I could pin point and say "THAT explains it!".

But bipolar? The idea of being bipolar didn't sit well. It was as if I viewed it as some awful curse. Maybe it had something to do with the negative stigma we, as a society, have given bipolar disorder. Yet, at the same time, it made sense. I've always been known for having a "short fuse".  I'm a spitfire. I can say such hurtful things when my anger takes over. It's as if I seek out words that will cut like a knife. Yet I find that as my anger decreases and I come down from the manic high, the guilt sets in as I realize what I've said.  The more I think about my actions, both past and present, my diagnosis begins to make more and more sense.

 Today, just a few short months after diagnosis, I've come to terms with having bipolar disorder. I'm not ashamed of this. I'm not ashamed of any of my diagnosises. I have always viewed myself as a typical woman in her twenties. Yes, I experience an extreme range of emotions. And yes, sometimes they can be far too much for me. But I will not let bipolar define me.

With this blog, I hope to help others. When I began looking for answers after my diagnosis, there really wasnt a lot out there that appealed to me. Yes, there are plenty of blogs but none of them seemed to be something I could connect with. I am raw and real just like the disorder itself. My hope is to connect with others who have been diagnosed, let those who have recently been diagnosed know they're not alone, and hopefully provide a little insight to those who have a loved one with bipolar disorder. Bold idea, I know. My story, as you are reading it, is from the beginning not somewhere in the middle of my treatment. As I go through the battle of discovering how to release the hold this disorder has on my life, my blog is going to be making the trek with me each step of the way.

Well, that's it. The basic idea of me and my diagnosis. I'm excited to see where this blog will go, and hope you, the reader, will enjoy the ride just as much.

- Red